Retaliating door

[Boncuk]

Girls get feisty at an age of 12 to 14 years.

My stepdaughter is at that age now and very often has loudely spoken arguments with her mother.

If she gets short of arguments she normally escapes into her room, slamming the door to make it sound like a cannon. Recklessly she even does it when I'm taking a nap. I've also seen cracked walls around the door frames caused by slamming.

She refuses to change her behaviour whenever I try to correct her.

Therefor I have decided to make her learn the hard way.

This is the idea: Measure the strain on the door frame and actuate a hydraulic actuator which will slam the door in the opposite direction. (thinking of 3,000psi) Many persons take a small rest after having performed their "heroic" action, remaining at the door for a moment. This should be enough time to "hit back".

And here is the question: How much time would a µc require to determine heavy load on the door frame until activation of the hydraulic cylinder?

Reaction time should be the shortest possible. (≤ 500ms)

The mechanical construction is well under control.

Boncuk

 

[dknguyen]

My sister does that too but she's way older. Can't you just remove her door and replace it with curtains or attach one of those pneumatic pump arm thingies that stop doors from closing too quickly. I never could figure out what slamming a door when you're angry does. It doesn't tell the other person how angry, nor does it rile them up as well as mouthing off to them.

 

[3v0]

Given how young girls love their privacy I would follow dknguyen's suggestion.

State in no uncertain terms that if she slams the door again it will be removed and replaced with a curtain.

The uC is plenty fast. I have never used a load cell but I expect it should be ok too since you are looking to exceed a value not measure it.

3v0

 

[Boncuk]

Thanks for the suggestions.

In that particular case I'd be forced to move out.

She likes to listen to the Thai rapper music and a closed door will reduce the "infernal noise".

 

[Torben]

Thanks for the suggestions.

In that particular case I'd be forced to move out.

She likes to listen to the Thai rapper music and a closed door will reduce the "infernal noise".

There's another electronics project for you then: a sound level meter hooked up to a mains cutoff. Or even simpler, just wire in a switch to the AC outlets in the room. Too loud == no juice. mua-ha-ha


Regards,

Torben

 

[Mikebits]

I know easier said than done, but sounds to me that you and your wife need to take a more active role in your child's behavior. I raised 3 boys and would not tolerate such actions as slamming doors. You have to keep in mind that you are the parent, not the child's friend. It is your job to make the tough choices and stick to them.

This may be a difficult task to do at this point, but rest assured, if you allow her behavior to continue it will only get worse. Now I don't suggest corporal punishment, but perhaps removal of privileges might help you in regaining authority.

This is something that must be done by you and your wife, if one parent falters then all is lost. I understand the step parent issue, as my oldest was not my son and I often heard "Your not my dad". This sort of comment removes some authority and the authority can only be reestablished if your wife supports you.

I agree with above comments. Remove the door and only put it back on after certain rules and behavior are followed. You must take control or this child will cause you much grief.

Good luck

 

[Boncuk]

Hi,

I guess these measures will work in the USA as well as in Europe. Family life is much different in South-East-Asia.

Visiting Thai families I often have the impression that the mother is kind of on sufferance - and fathers normally don't care. A warning given with low volume voice has absolutely no effect. When shouting the warning the kids start crying.

Generally spoken Thai parents are more than just patient with their kids.

The problem I mentioned here is just one of many.

Watching her eat a European would certainly think she just has been picked up from the jungle after wildlife. Speaking with the mouth full of food I told her she might speak with a double portion in her mouth, because she's a high ranking person. She didn't understand anything.

May be withdrawing the cell phone I gave her will do the job.

(No change in behaviour - no telephone, and use a wok to drum messages for her friends.)

To Mikebits: I had a stepson in Germany and he tried to give me the same problem you had. I reacted that way: "As long as you stick your legs underneath my table you play the game according to my rules - or move out!"

Boncuk

 

[Mikebits]

I agree that cultural differences do change things. Have you spoken with other Thai parents in your circle? Surely all Thai children do not react as you have described. What do other parents in your region do? Perhaps the daughter is holding some anger inside that needs exploring. I have no idea, but I wish you luck

P.S. My stepson is now in his mid thirties and is a General Manager of a large department store. He has his own children now and we still speak friendly from time to time even though I divorced his mother. I guess officially he is not my stepson, but I don't think bonds of trust and friendship have anything to do with law.

 

[tcmtech]

Get off you high horse and act like a parent not a boss. Talk to them in a honest and open way. Take some ego deflation pills and listen to what they have to say about YOUR attitude. Your not the only one in that household that has to deal with a clueless giant self stroking ego. They got one they see every day that is apparently unaware that his own actions are feeding this fire just as much as they are.

The kids may need to learn manor's but you need to learn some stuff too!
An attitude that makes you a solid boss in a work environment make s you a horrible person in a family environment.
People who work under you are paid to be there. Family puts up with you for free! And when dealing with a bad boss on a work for free pay scale most people will jump ship the first chance their resources will let them! Thats why there are so many messed up kids on the streets. It wasn't themselves that drove them there. If living in a cardboard box in an ally is seen as a improvement in their life how bad was their home life?
And guess who played a large part in making that home life that bad? (look in a mirror for the answer if you still dont get it.)

If you dont understand the simple concept that the 'I am the boss do it my way or else' attitude you are using is no better of solution for getting along than what the kids are doing, your causing more problems than they are.
They are developing as individuals and are still learning what is right and wrong. They wont learn why you feel the way you do unless you explain it in a way they can relate to.

Force and overbearing rule will never make it better. Eventually they may submit but its going to be at the expense of a life time of not seeing them and only having a casual relationship (if your lucky) and not a close family like you should be.

I know from experience. My dad a was a selfish overbearing a-hole who thought he was never wrong and the way he lived is always the right and best way to live. BS!
Having mom divorce him and everyone of us walk out the door one day woke him up a bit that he needed to change his attitude more than we did! It took him over a decade of living by himself and having to do every thing by himself to figure that out on his own.

Get off your pompous self riotous ass and talk it out with them. Its largely a communications problem, and its just as much you who's causing it as they are. Its coming from a combined attitude problem on both sides and a lack of understanding on both parts not just theirs.

They dont respect you because you dont respect them as individuals. They are people in the making not pets or servants. Drop your attitude about who owns what and appreciate that you still have them in your life.

You can demand their respect all you want, but I also demand every one give me a million dollars. I bet I will earn it by working for it far sooner than I will ever get it with selfish high horse ego stroking overbearing attitude.

If you really want their respect you need to actually do your part and earn it first. Respect is not forced out of people. Fear, hate and defiance is! Figure it out now or you will pay be paying dearly for it later.

They are growing up in a different world and society than you did. Accept it and learn what makes it work. Being a selfish overbearing dumb ass dictator in the house does not help the overall situation, Get over yourself and they will too!

As far as rules and manors discus the reasons why people need them and when they need to be applied.

 

[Nigel Goodwin]

In the UK it's called the 'Kevin stage' - named after a comedy TV character, it happens at 13 years of age, instant teenage rebellion

They grow out of it (hopefully), it's all part of growing up.

 

[ericgibbs]

hi tcm.

Can you say how may children you have.

All the kids I have known go thru the Neanderthal stage when they reach puberty.
Its mainly because their body is a hormonal cocktail and they cannot help their behaviour

Asked why they do stupid things, all you will get is 'dunno' and the occassional 'Ugh'.

It dosnt matter how good a parent you are, you will not stop it happening,
dont waste your breath trying to reason with them.

My best advice is to just let them know that you are there for them if needed and help them thru it.

 

[Boncuk]

Hi tcm,

I have read very seldom such a lot of BS in a few lines.

Are you psychologist? They release a lot of BS too! (and make money with it)

What do you think you are telling others to get off their high horse?
You better think about doing it yourself. Now I'm forgetting about my good manners: Crumbs should keep out of business if cakes are talking.

I hope I have made myself clear enough.

I guess your parents missed to give you some lessons concerning polite behaviour!

I haven't asked for any advice concerning children's education. Remember I just asked if a µc would be fast enough to trigger that door!

Talking about respect and honour, how come that the population of two villages accepts me as one of their's although I'm a "farang" (non-asian, who normally are not respected at all)?

Knowing nothing and arguing is something I hate.

Nevertheless you are invited to teach my stepdaughter good behaviour with the necessary patience. I've already tried it for four years without much success. The only thing she has learned is leaving my electronic stuff where it is.

I say it again: It is a tough job to teach civivilization to people who just have fallen off a tree in the jungle.

BTW, my first language is not English, but appearently yours is. Check your spelling!

As far as rules and manors discus the reasons why people need them and when they need to be applied.

These are no typos!

Boncuk

 

[MrAl]

Hi,


With some of the culture differences in mind...

Another idea is to install some bumpers on the door jam to soften the noise.
There will still be some but not as loud. Foam weather stripping works
very well too for this purpose, and will help keep some of the music out too.

Also, take the door off and install a lighter weight door. Some of those very
light weight doors dont slam as nicely as the solid wood once do as they dont have
as much mass.

 

[Hero999]

Thanks for the suggestions.

In that particular case I'd be forced to move out.

She likes to listen to the Thai rapper music and a closed door will reduce the "infernal noise".

Confiscate her stereo if she plays it too loudly.

 

[Boncuk]

Nothing particular

 

[Triode]

I'd say the curtain door is a good idea, and it would be simple to modify the sterio and limit its maximum volume I don't know if you can make this behavior turn around, she may grow out of it. I think the best thing to do is not make concessions to her bad behavior and continue to set a mature, calm, collected example yourself. The worst thing for this is to react with anger yourself, it gives them an excuse. If you stay civil and collected eventually the yelling childish person starts to feel stupid. The problem with all this is that it sounds like the mother is the one who needs to do something different, and she is not the one asking for advice.

 

[3v0]

Kids at this age are acting based on very limited experience. Their frame of reference is by designed unrealistic.

The more they get the more they want. The more they get away with the more they will try. If they want X they want it, and there is no room for reasoning.

They are not unlike a dog who wants to be alpha. Parents must set (reasonable) boundaries for their children.

If we do not do these things our kids will be ill equipped to deal with the real world.

3v0

 

[Triode]

I think parents going soft may be part of the reason for our economic crisis. My dad never punched or slapped me, but if the answer to something was no, that didn't change, and if I was given a chore, it was better for me to do it than not. But lots of my peers seemed to get away with anything, they were given time outs rather than loosing privledges they cared about, they still had a room full of games and toys and a TV, and later a computer and cell phone. If they asked for something, and threw a fit, then asked nicely, they were rewarded with what they wanted. Parents say they want to teach the kid that asking nicely gets you what you want, but what about teaching them that sometimes, you can't get what you want and you have to just be happy with what you have? Back to my origonal point, I think too many people in my generation have not learned that, instead of dad telling you no, common sense and your bank balance tells you no. But they aren't used to having to not get what they want. So they run up a credit card bill, or buy a house or a car they can't really afford, because they've been taught that they're special, and as long as they ask nicely, they can have anything they like.

 

[Hero999]

Hi tcm,

I have read very seldom such a lot of BS in a few lines.

Are you psychologist? They release a lot of BS too! (and make money with it)

What do you think you are telling others to get off their high horse?
You better think about doing it yourself. Now I'm forgetting about my good manners: Crumbs should keep out of business if cakes are talking.

Although I don't think he's put it in a very dimplomatic manner (I think he may have inheranted some of his dad's behaviour, even though he probably won't like to admit it ), I think tcmtech might have a point. Perhaps your response to him was so defensive because part of what he's saying is true?

If someone is behaving in a certain way, particularly if it's towards you, it's always a good idea to ask yourself why? Is it because of the way I'm treating them?

For example try to ask yourself (honestly) if you've treated her badly of if you're tough enough with her.

I don't think booby trapping the door is the answer, I think good parenting is and if your wife won't help then maybe you have a problem with the relationship.

 

[Boncuk]

Although I don't think he's put it in a very dimplomatic manner (I think he may have inheranted some of his dad's behaviour, even though he probably won't like to admit it ), I think tcmtech might have a point. Perhaps your response to him was so defensive because part of what he's saying is true?

My response wasn't defensive but as politely as possible as my education still dictates. If I get offensive it is normally deadly as I have learned in the GAF having killed 255 enemies.

If someone is behaving in a certain way, particularly if it's towards you, it's always a good idea to ask yourself why? Is it because of the way I'm treating them?

That must be a complete misunderstanding. She treats everybody the same way, no matter if it's her mother, her sister or her friends. Slamming the door when I'm sleeping may have another cause. Thais don't think much, and if they think it's all too late.

For example try to ask yourself (honestly) if you've treated her badly of if you're tough enough with her.

Would you call it bad treatment if you help your daughter doing her homework or spend an extra PC for her to "play internet"? (Thai expression)

I don't think booby trapping the door is the answer, I think good parenting is and if your wife won't help then maybe you have a problem with the relationship.

It has already been talked about: Thais have a much different culture, a much different way of life and a much different attitude towards other people. (They would even sell their grandmother if the profit was high enough, they even steal at their neighbor's without bad feelings)

Warnings and reminders are mostly ignored until it comes to the big BANG. I won't bother if my stepdaughter recovered back from unconsciousness (blackout in hospital and pay the cost for a good example of education. Unfortunately my wife is the most peace loving person on earth and the louder her daughter speaks up the lower she responds until I say a word of power. I have her full support in this matter, but I'm not around all day long.

Kind regards

Hans