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Discussion in 'Members Lounge' started by HVAC Tech, Jan 6, 2015.

  1. Sinedup

    Sinedup Member

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    Rastas is fired from his job at the restaurant.
    His buddy asks him what happened.
    "Management caught me sticking it into a potato peeler..."
    "Wow - RAD! - is it still OK"?
    "Yeah, no problem there".
    "And the potato peeler.."?
    "She was also fired!"
     
  2. Sinedup

    Sinedup Member

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    Atom1: "I think I've lost an electron"
    Atom2: "Are you sure"?
    Atom1: "Yes, I'm positive"!
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  3. Sinedup

    Sinedup Member

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    Dave is visiting some friends near Hawkes Bay, New Zealand.
    While driving around, they decide to climb up a nearby hill.
    Unfortunately, his friend gets bitten by a deadly snake.
    The man is lying prone, groaning in pain, sweating and shivering.
    Panicked and worried, Dave immediately dials emergency services.
    "Hello, Emergency Services - how may I help you"?
    "My mate just got bitten by a poisonous viper - please come quickly!"
    "Ok sir, what is your street address"?
    Dave asks one of the friends standing nearby.
    "Hello miss? ... Its on a hill near Blackridge Road".
    "How do you spell that"?
    "Its B-L-A-C-K-R-I-D-G-E".
    "Ok thank you, sir. Where are you"?
    Dave asks the friend.
    The friend replies:
    "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu".
    Dave says "Hello miss"?
    "Yes"?
    "I have a white pickup truck - meet us at Clinton!"
    :)
     
  4. dave miyares

    Dave New Member

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  5. throbscottle

    throbscottle Well-Known Member

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    ONLINE
    I had to check... yep, actually a place!
     
  6. ClydeCrashKop

    ClydeCrashKop Well-Known Member

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    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

    The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

    As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

    Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.

    I call the police for help and what do they do?

    They send me a BLIND policeman!'
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  7. ClydeCrashKop

    ClydeCrashKop Well-Known Member

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    Boys Girls tell story.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  8. dave miyares

    Dave New Member

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  9. ClydeCrashKop

    ClydeCrashKop Well-Known Member

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    The Manslater Woman Language Translator
     
  10. ClydeCrashKop

    ClydeCrashKop Well-Known Member

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    Tampacks.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  11. ClydeCrashKop

    ClydeCrashKop Well-Known Member

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    Alligator shoes
    A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
    The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
    Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
    She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.
    Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 6
  12. ClydeCrashKop

    ClydeCrashKop Well-Known Member

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    tea bag.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  13. ClydeCrashKop

    ClydeCrashKop Well-Known Member

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    TIPS TO LOOK AFTER YOUR HUSBAND.jpg
     
  14. KeepItSimpleStupid

    KeepItSimpleStupid Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    I wonder if "Dear Abby" would approve?
     
  15. Grossel

    Grossel Active Member

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    Norway
    Not a joke this. There was an election last autumn where four political parties "won". By now they are in negotiation and one possible outcome is that three of those governing is namely "right", "left" and "the advancement political party". I don't know how it sounds for an English talking person, but in my ears (in norwegian) the words clearly depicts a collection of three arrows.

    And for the sake of names:
    "Hell" is actually a place - near the third biggest city at here. In my language it just indicate that the overall landscape is slightly sloping (If I was to react on the command "hell", I would just avoid standing in vertical position - that actually didn't make much sense I must admit)
    A boat named "Polarfart" gives perfect sense (in my ears when correctly pronounced a nice name) for a ocean trawler at high north (there actually was a boat by that name but they was being mocked by foreign vessels so the company eventually decided to change the name to something else - it also might be a problem selling fish to foreigners when the word "fart" is a part of the label for where it origins from).

    And - the list of possible really weird (not a good idea to tell the name of home without translating) names could be long.
     
  16. Nigel Goodwin

    Nigel Goodwin Super Moderator Most Helpful Member

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    It's quite a problem with the USA having a President Fart :D
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  17. jpanhalt

    jpanhalt Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    I hadn't visited this thread in awhile. Since you mention funny place names, the US has several. I particularly like "Truth or Consequences," New Mexico (a SW state). It was named after an old TV game show. I don't know what the penalty is for lying.

    I just had to stop there once on a trip to "punch my ticket."
     
    • Like Like x 1
  18. shortbus=

    shortbus= Well-Known Member

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    And don't forget, Intercourse, PA.
     
  19. cowboybob

    cowboybob Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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  20. tomizett

    tomizett Active Member

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    This is particularly funny for us English. As you may know, we have a phrase about "Hell freezing over" - meaning something that will never happen. Of course Hell, Norway, does freeze over - quite often.

    I also know a joke about UDP. I'd tell you, but you might not get it.
     
  21. ClydeCrashKop

    ClydeCrashKop Well-Known Member

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    Lady Frog.jpg

    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

    (You're gonna love this.)

    The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

    (You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

    Never take life too seriously.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  22. gophert

    gophert Active Member

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    Western, PA (USA)

    Sorry, but this Joke's author is implying Blondes are dumb but the author of this joke may be her intellectual equal.
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2018

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