Why I came back and some news for you :(

[large_ghostman]

One or two of you I have kept in touch with you outside of the forums, a couple dont come here much now but we kept in touch.
I started here when my dad got sick and had a huge stroke a few years back, I wanted to finish his project and so I ended up here. I know some think me and my dad are the same despite me posting a pic of us together. I did write much of my dads posts but with him there with me, what many didnt know was my dad never recovered properly from his stroke.
Not much point going into details and most of you never met us in person (one or two did), so you wont know how great he was and how proud and frustrated he became after his stroke. He fought really hard to walk again and even for a while work, I mostly still think of him as the bloke I used to see carry sheep over his shoulders lol.
Anyway he had a number of mini strokes and refused to slow down, he ended up having real problems with reading. He could see the words ok but somehow it got scrambled. Anyway I have known for a while he was going downhill, I wont bother listing them but oddly enough the damage to his arm with the tractor kicked off a train of events. He had to cut down on the rat poison stuff and that didnt help, my dad lost most of his sight around 5 weeks ago. Partly it was one reason I came back, I new he was deteriorating and this place was kind of where we started doing electronics together that grew into a hobby we both shared. We used to fish and had a small boat but to be honest he didnt actually fish anymore he pottered on the boat.
A few weeks back he started to forget our names and act a bit odd, I have some pics I got mum to take but probably wont post them for a few days.
So we were aware he wasnt right and he was seen by the doctor this morning, he insisted he was staying at home and didnt want messing with. Then a few hours ago he fell, nothing serious as such he was standing in the kitchen then he wasnt. It was nothing spectacular he just wasnt standing anymore, he looked at my mum and my mum called an ambulance. My dad is now in hospital not because of the fall as such but because he isnt well, I dont know the details because I havnt asked, one look at my mum tells me I dont need to ask much.
My mum and sister are at the hospital and my neighbor is here with me, mum has called and dad is no longer breathing on his own. She wanted to know if I would like to be picked up in the morning and go and see my dad, please dont think I am being mean but I am not going. I know when my mum and sister come home at some point soon they will be alone, I also know last weekend was great fun with my dad and for a few hours it was like years ago.
I feel you are like strangers but then again I dont do friends and yet most of you have been friends, this is not a post for you but mostly a post to myself.
I want to scream and cry but I cant somehow find a way to do it, I want to go into my lab and make a machine to turn the clock back 12 hours.
I almost posted asking for help to build a machine that would help my dad, but even if we could together build a machine I know my dad was deeply unhappy the last few years, not with us but with frustration.
I know I wont see him again but even writing it dosnt seem to make it real, and now I have changed my mind. I will go tomorrow just so I can ask one last time if I can borrow the welder.
Anyway I wanted you to know and I will probably keep posting, but I might go for a little while, I wont be posting updates on this and I wont be making announcements. If you are one the people who liked my dad then go solder something, he was a do er and liked people that did things.
If you have kids next time you hug them mean it, as kids we know when you mean it the same way you know when we mean it. I hugged him alot and I meant it.
I dont think I will sleep much tonight so I might post crap instead, feel free to delete whatever you want. I need to get busy and make something or do something or plan something, I hope you understand but if not to be honest I dont care.

Thanks
Logan Grendon Bell
Little Ghost
LG11

 

[jpanhalt]

Hi LG,

Many of us have had parents pass on. I am 72 and experienced both of my parents passing when I was 53. You are much younger. I had a younger brother pass when I was 7. Last visits can be difficult. My mom did not even recognize me. Call it a duty or whatever. You do not know really how your dad will perceive a visit. But, do it anyway. If not for his, for your own peace.

John

 

[large_ghostman]

Hi LG,

Many of us have had parents pass on. I am 72 and experienced both of my parents passing when I was 53. You are much younger. I had a younger brother pass when I was 7. Last visits can be difficult. My mom did not even recognize me. Call it a duty or whatever. You do not know really how your dad will perceive a visit. But, do it anyway. If not for his, for your own peace.

John

Thanks John, yes he would prefer me not to go, I kind of know this. I think what bothers me is I dont want him to see how scared I am, silly as I dont think he is aware of very much at the moment. My little sister (6) is being great apparently, she is fussing about making him comfy and talking to him non stop.
My mum says she has told him not to be scared and she loves him, I wish I was like her but she is tough like my dad and I am more like my mum

 

[jpanhalt]

LG, You do not know what he really wants. No one wants to be seen as "dying or pitied." That is why you go.

John

 

[JoeJester]

LG,

Go and say goodbye.

 

[large_ghostman]

I will go in the morning, I cant get there tonight. And I dont think I could handle being there tonight, I cant get the picture out my head of him standing and smiling at me then not standing any more. No smile no nothing just not standing up anymore, I am a tad over 6' now and he was way shorter than me but always seemed to tower over me.
I dont get any of this, I cant see how you can be stood in a kitchen then just kinda switched off. He didnt deserve that he is a great dad, he is the best friend I have.
The phone keeps ringing and I keep ignoring it, funny way to find out you lack balls

 

[large_ghostman]

Mums on her way home, I dont like thinking of her driving 60 miles late at night and tired. I should have gone with them I feel like I let her down now.
Anyway back to electronics

 

[nsaspook]

Think of the good times and be strong. All of us has lost someone we love as time passes.

 

[JoeJester]

I concur with NSA.

 

[SPDCHK]

Hi LG,

It is truly sad to read this. You should say your goodbye's. I never got to say goodbye to my dad, and it hurts till this day. At least you may find some sense of closure. You will always remember his as the best dad in the world, and that he was, he was your best dad. Be strong for your family, but when you have a moment alone, do cry. I does help, believe me. It does. It makes your bond stronger with your dad, if he's there or not. He will always be in your heart.

Best of luck there to you and your family. Best wishes to you all

 

[tunedwolf]

Hey Logan,

I lost my Dad back in 1979 and my old Mum in June this year. Both were sudden and I never got the chance to say my goodbye's for several reasons. Death is not an easy thing to deal with, no matter what age you are when it comes to your door, but with time, the pain fades. The memories don't, those you'll have forever. Your Dad would want you to remember him how he was, when he was strong and healthy and full of life, not how frail he became as his life comes to an end. He is proud of you I'm sure, of the man you'll become. Death is part of the circle of life, it's your turn now, make the most of it...

My best wishes to you and your family at this difficult time...

 

[alec_t]

My thoughts and best wishes are with you, LG. Remember the good times. You're an inspiration to the younger generation.

 

[jpanhalt]

Hi LG,

I forgot to mention Kubler and Kessler last night. They studied grief, categorized it into stages and gave each stage a name. Their original conclusions have been modified over the years. I believe this is a current description: https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

Remember one thing. Not everyone goes through all the stages and certainly not in the order listed. However, knowing the responses may help you understand your reactions.

My thoughts are with you, your father, and family.

John

 

[Overclocked]

Go see him. If you dont, you'll regret it. Best wishes to your and your family

Also, Please get help if you feel that you need to talk to someone outside of your family. There is no shame in going to a counselor. There are also support hotlines you can call (for free) as well.

 

[cowboybob]

Logan (if I may presume to use your given name), you are a remarkable young man and a testament to your father's guiding influence.

I am humbled that you chose to include us as your friends with this deeply personal account of an unfortunate period in your life.

Remember that your Mom does, indeed, need your support. For the time being, don't worry about your balls, follow your heart.

 

[KeepItSimpleStupid]

Logan:
I did not see this until now, a few days later. If you can say goodbye, by all means do it. Otherwise, you will likely regret it.
if you can't, then remember him when he was his best.

My father went into a coma shortly after I arrived to see him in the hospital. I noticed that he had the oxygen cannola on, but the oxygen wasn't turned on and I pointed that out to the nurse. The nurse turned on the oxygen. They didn't inform my mom that he was to have a CT scan and his food came up, so he started to eat. He was in to remove the fluid from his lungs. The hospital staff did not tell us that a resident did the procedure and punctured his lung. We found out many months afterwards after getting his chart notes. Unfortunately, there was nothing we could do because we did not have an autopsy. We were basically told that his cancer came back aggressively and he was going to die anyway. We did, however, meet with the staff of both hospitals and his doctor to express our concerns.

In any event, it was totally unexpected because he appeared to be doing very well. The docs actually withheld his chemotherapy because they erroneously though he had a heart problem. Within a few hours after he was in a coma he had a CT scan and was not breathing on his own. My mom and I did not stay the night and the nurse said he did open his eyes once, but mom regrets not staying the night. The doc said, there isn't much we can do and you should consider removing life support. They kept him alive until my mom's sister who was in a religious order was able to get permission and get a flight out. Prayers were said and they asked us to leave the room momentarily while they removed the respirator. Within about 5 minutes he quietly took his last breath.

The funeral was simple with a viewing at the back of the church with two palm trees. The funeral procession made a commemorative pass in front of the house. We had a short service at the cemetery chapel, but not at the grave site. It's been like 14 years now. The responsibilities have multiplied 10 to 100 fold taking care of mom who's now in a wheelchair.
She can walk short distances with the aid of a walker. She has pre-planned her funeral. There's a few things left that she could do.

Advice is still: Say goodbye if you can.

 

[large_ghostman]

My Mum came home, she left after he passed, I knew when she called that she wouldnt leave him until the end. I didnt get a chance in the end, because I chose not to go in the beginning I lost the option very quickly.
I dont know if I regret it or not, it dosnt feel real and somehow life is ticking along and I am sure he will walk through the door at some time soon. Part of me knows this isnt going to happen, but most of me thinks it will. My mum is really concerned about me but I am ok, she wants the doc to see me tomorrow as I am not sleeping. I dont sleep in case he comes home and needs letting in, of course he dosnt and he wont be, but I havnt got that far yet.
No tears yet but everybody else seems to be crying or shouting, me I dunno I dont feel anything at the moment just kinda numb and very tired. I have painted the hallway ceiling as it was his job next week but I want him to come home and see it done. Saves him a job to do.
Thanks everyone I am not sure what else to say, it all feels very very surreal at the moment.

 

[throbscottle]

I feel like I should say something, but there's nothing I can say. So please take my sincerest condolences from the heart.
One day the world will make sense again. The pain never completely goes away, but you kind of grow around it.

 

[large_ghostman]

I feel like I should say something, but there's nothing I can say. So please take my sincerest condolences from the heart.
One day the world will make sense again. The pain never completely goes away, but you kind of grow around it.

I read that and cried!! Feels like a truck hit but sort of feels better as well so thank you

 

[JimB]

Commiserations.

When my father died suddenly, one of his work colleagues said to me...

"There is nothing I can say to you, it is just a b a s t a r d isn't it"

Of all the sentiments expressed at the time (30+ years ago), that is the one which sticks in my mind as the most heartfelt.

JimB