You can get some pyrotechnic ignition 'sparks' to ignite fireworks, this could be used. But to light a candle requires a suprising amount of energy over a long time. If you saoked the wick in lighter fuel, then attached a "spark", this might light it. Seems like it might be a bit hit and miss tho.
I'm not sure if you can buy 'sparks' in shops, but i gues they use similar things for model rocket engine remote ignition? Ask in your local model shop!
You may be better off simulating a candle with a 'almost striking' neon tube. (You can buy these from most lighting shops) this would be far more reliable. And can be easily turned on and off!
As for extinguishing, I'll have a think.
Paul