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Joke....

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Mickster

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A Husband and wife are out shopping when the man picks up a crate of beers and puts them into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on offer, only £16 for 24 cans", he says.

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife.

and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £32 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies...

"SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!!!"
 
You got a big grin and a strong exhale out of me =) Not quiet a chuckle, but close enough.
 
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass
in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.

He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet),
grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously
excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing
the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play
along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises
that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one
of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear
the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"

... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell
HIM you have a headache."
 
Little raunchy, but still a good one =)
 
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
 
A Limerick:

From the depths of the crypt at St Giles,
came a scream that resounded for miles.
said the Vicar "Good gracious,
has father Ignatius,
forgotten the Bishop has piles?"
 
A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
 
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
 
Best time to go to the restroom in East Frisia (Germany) is at lunch time, because all the flies will be in the kitchen.

Boncuk
 
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "you are on the other side."

 
Two blondes are out walking through the woods one day, when they come across some tracks.

They decide to follow them.

The first says "I think these are deer tracks."

The second says "No, they aren't deer tracks, they're bear tracks."

The first says "Nope...deer tracks."

The second says "C'mon, they are definitely bear tracks."














They were still arguing when the train hit them....
 
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Two daft men stumbled over a railroad track and one of them suggests to climb the ladder to see where it leads to.

After one hour the second one says: "I'm giving up". "Why?" asked the first one. "Those hand rails are too low and cause back ache."
 
This man asks his wife "Honey I would really like if you could get a tattoo..."
The wife say "I am sorry but I am really not into that".
but after a few days of thinking the wife goes to a tattoo artist and tells the guy "My husband wants me to get a tattoo and I don't like tattoos could you suggest something really discreet? "
So the tattoo artist replies "well I could draw a small B on each of your butt cheek, you would never see it and your husband would see it as in BaBy"
Good idea replies the woman so she gets it done and that same night she's waiting for the husband.. midnight... one o'clock ... and finely he gets home at two in the morning drunk.
Honey, I have a surprise for you (she say)
She turns around, slowly lifts her nightgown and she bends down...

The husband looks at her butt and starts freaking out and say "Who the hell is Bob?"


Mike
 
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