Yeah, I could get a better USB device. I could also get a better laptop but I'm a cheapo.
Yeah the amps sim is for guitar. As for the device that connects to my instrument, it's simply a half inch to 3.5 mm converter. Male half inch, female 3.5 mm. All analog until you hit laptop. And no, my USB input device does not plug into mains. It's just cheap.
And thank you, simple stupid, that idea is more elegant. At this point I don't think the increase in elegancy will outweigh my laziness though. If you offer me $20, I'll offer you $10 to put it in my pocket for me. I will, however, try adding that resistor to my existing ground cable.
But yeah, thanks guys, I consider this issue fully explored and I can rest easy. I'm going to give you guys a break then I'm going to come back in hot with another one, okay? Cool.