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Discussion in 'Members Lounge' started by HVAC Tech, Jan 6, 2015.

  1. ClydeCrashKop

    ClydeCrashKop Well-Known Member

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    Snooty woman.jpg
     
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  2. ClydeCrashKop

    ClydeCrashKop Well-Known Member

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    A Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest...
    The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

    The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
    loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have
    yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

    HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
     
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  3. cowboybob

    cowboybob Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    Chortle...

    CCK, you are no longer allowed to be left alone with any weapon (or tool, for that matter), whatsoever...

    As for your testicles, I submit that when you reach an age that is 12 or 13 years from now, they will,, once again, descend.
     
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  4. dave

    Dave New Member

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  5. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    OooWwwwChh- he is a braver man than me CCK.:eek:

    spec
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2017
  6. KeepItSimpleStupid

    KeepItSimpleStupid Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    A buddy of mine has won two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl Game in Houston. He has a luxury suite reserved at the stadium, plus airline tickets valid from any US airport, a hotel suite, and tickets to attend two pre-game parties.

    However, he somehow failed to realize that the game is scheduled for the same day as his wedding. So he can't go.

    If you're interested, and if you’d like to go, instead of him, meet at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5:00 pm. Her name is Louise. She's 5'4", about 125 lbs., a good cook and makes $180,000 a year as a stockbroker. She’ll be the one in the white dress.
     
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  7. throbscottle

    throbscottle Well-Known Member

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    She sounds hot! When's the day? (Sporting calendar being completely alien to me...)
     
  8. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    :joyful::joyful::joyful:
     
  9. ClydeCrashKop

    ClydeCrashKop Well-Known Member

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    live to be 80.jpg
     
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  10. ClydeCrashKop

    ClydeCrashKop Well-Known Member

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    Math.jpg
     
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  11. KeepItSimpleStupid

    KeepItSimpleStupid Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    Any idea what Trump math is?
     
  12. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    Absolutely brilliant CCK. :joyful::joyful::joyful:

    Now I am going to steal that one.

    The unfortunate thing is that it is all true.

    I dread to think what the maths question would be for 2020- maybe similar to:

    Loggers used to destroy the forest and use maths to work out their ill-gained profit.

    Can you describe what maths is? If not, describe how women were prevented from taking up logging by macho type male loggers.

    You have 70 minutes, and you may use the internet. If you cannot tell the time please ask the examiner whenever you need to know how much time is left before the end of the exam.

    If you can't write just put a cross (like this 'X') on your paper and your class teacher will fill the paper in for you so that no one will know that you can't write.

    If you do not finish on time please do not worry- your teachers will allocate a mark based on what they think you might have written.

    If you are from an ethnic minority and you find any part of this question offensive please see the head immediately with your equal rights councilor.

    If you are female and not sure what a logger is or just find the idea of logging distressing, don't get upset- just write about something you like.

    spec
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2017
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  13. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    Some interesting signs:

    Cocktail lounge, Norway:
    "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

    Doctors office, Rome:
    "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

    Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
    "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

    In a Nairobi restaurant:
    "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

    On an Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi.
    "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

    On a poster at Kencom:
    "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

    In a New York City restaurant:
    "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

    A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer in Dublin:
    "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

    In a cemetery in Aberystwith:
    "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

    Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
    "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

    On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
    "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

    In a Tokyo bar:
    "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

    Hotel, Yugoslavia:
    "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

    Hotel, Japan:
    "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

    In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
    "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

    A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
    "IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

    Hotel, Zurich:
    "BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

    The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
    "GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

    In a Swiss mountain inn:
    "SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."

    Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
    "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

    A laundry in Rome:
    "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2017
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  14. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    Johnny asks a J P Morgan Chase loan officer for a loan of $5,000 for a month. The loan officer says that collateral will be required. So Johnny hands him the keys for his red Ferrari parked in front of the bank. "Obviously, a Ferrari is more than enough collateral, so we will be able to accommodate you in this matter", the loan officer said after looking out of his office window.

    Johnny leaves and the loan officer asks one of the security guards to carefully park the Ferrari in the bank's underground garage.

    Over the next few days, the big joke at the bank is about this guy who put up $250,000 collateral for a $5,000 loan for just a month.

    A month later, Johnny repays the $5,000 loan, plus $60 interest over the counter. The teller immediately asks Johnny if he could wait a second. The bank manager arrives instantly and invites Johnny to accompany him to his office.

    The bank manager says, "Mr Carino, I would like to thank you for your business on behalf of our bank. Many apologies that our loan officer did not recognize you right away. I trust that your restaurants are prospering and, of course, the bank is not going to bother about any interest on your loan. And if there is any other way we can be of assistance, never mind how small, please contact me without hesitation, any time night or day- here is my card with my private telephone number."

    After a coffee and a chat the bank manager said, "Please do not think that I am prying into your affairs, but I am curious, why would you need to borrow $5,000?"

    With a big smile Johnny replies, "Tell me, while I tour Europe for a month, where else in New York could I park a Ferrari 488 for nothing, and expect it to be there when I return?"
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2017
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  15. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    A pastor was booking into a Salt Lake City hotel and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

    She replied, "Certainly not sir. We only have regular porn in this hotel!"
     
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  16. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    A bride on her wedding night says to her new husband,
    "Darling, I've got something to tell you- before I met you I was a hooker."

    He says,
    "Oh, that's a bit of a shock, but your past is your past. In fact, I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".

    "Well, my name was Bruce, and I played for Wigan ..."

    (Wigan Warriers = UK Rugby football team. Hooker = forward player)
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2017
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  17. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    Two Irish guys hire a pilot to fly them to Manitoba, to hunt moose.

    They manage to bag six huge bulls, but the pilot says that the plane can only carry four carcasses.

    The two hunters react strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us take all of them and he had the same plane as yours!"

    Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and allows all six carcasses to be loaded on the plane.

    The plane lumbers into the air, but even on full power it is very sluggish.

    Ten minutes later it loses height and flys into a mountain but, as luck would have it, Paddy and Mick survive.

    After climbing out of the wreckage and moose carcasses, Paddy says to Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'

    Mick replies, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2017
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  18. throbscottle

    throbscottle Well-Known Member

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    Sign seen in a butchers window somewhere in West Cornwall, some years ago:
    "Glutton Free Sausages"
     
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  19. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    And at a barbers shop in Bristol UK,

    'Haircuts while you wait'

    spec
     
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  20. throbscottle

    throbscottle Well-Known Member

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    Pretty sure that's one's fairly common. Amazing...
     
  21. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    Ah right. I have only seen it in one place.:)

    spec
     

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