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Discussion in 'Members Lounge' started by HVAC Tech, Jan 6, 2015.

  1. HVAC Tech

    HVAC Tech Member

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    O.K. Got a joke.

    There was a national poem contest being held and there were two finalists left. The first finalist was a college professor from California. The second finalist was an old ranch hand from Texas. You get 3 minutes to come up with a poem and the poem must end with the word "Timbuktu". They flipped a coin and the professor won the toss. The professor chose to go first and he starts his poem right away. "Miles and miles of sand, riding on a caravan. Camels two by two, destination, Timbuktu." The crowd watching the contest started clapping and then it got silent. It was the ranch hands turn to go next. He waited and waited and at the last second he blurts out, "Tim and I went hunting buck. We came across a maidens tent. They were three and we were two. I bucked one and Tim bucked two."
     
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  2. fezder

    fezder Well-Known Member

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    haha, had to read that couple times to get the joke :D
     
  3. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    A De Havilland Otter hits a Canadian mountain. Rex is thrown clear of the wreck in his carry cot, but his nurse and everyone else, perish. After a while a she-wolf, hearing him crying, drags the cot to her den.

    For eight years Rex lives with a pack of timber wolves. He walks on all fours, hunts caribou, eats raw meat, and howls at the moon. But one day a trapper is amazed to discover him caught in a snare. He takes Rex back to civilisation, and soon he is reunited with his family in London, England.

    Being a bright lad, Rex quickly learns to walk upright and talk. He does so well at school that he attends university where he graduates with a first class honours degree. He then goes to medical college for five years to qualify as a surgeon. He is just about to take up a post at Saint Barts Hospital, London, but, unfortunately, he is run-over while chasing a Ford Mondeo down the Old Kent Road.
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2016
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  4. dave

    Dave New Member

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  5. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    Tim Timkins describes his frustration to top neurosurgeon, Mr Zerosky.
    "I'm fed up with being timid and shy! I have no social life, no friends, and have never been out with a girl. I wish I could be adventurous, outgoing, and popular like Irish men are."

    Mr Zerosky explains,
    "The pre frontal lobe in the brain is responsible for culture, inhibitions, and fear. In Irish men this region is quite small- typically only 60% of normal. This means that the procedure to achieve your desired outcome would involve removing 40% of the brain tissue in this area. However, it is a pioneering operation, and the outcome is not certain. Then, of course, there is the cost."

    "Thanks for your concern," says Tim. "But I really do want to be like an Irishman and I'm prepared to take the risk and to bear the cost."

    Three months later Tim wakes after the operation to find Mr Zerosky sitting anxiously by his bed in the intensive care ward.
    "Mr Timkins, I'm afraid I have some bad news. The first stage of the operation proceeded satisfactorily. We removed 40% of the target area but, regrettably, it was impossible to stop the bleeding, so we had to remove the remaining 60% too. Unfortunately, you now have no pre frontal lobe at all. I'm so terribly sorry."

    Tim replies,
    "No worries, matey! When are the Sheilas bringing the tucker round?"
     
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  6. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    A couple are touring the Isle of Anglesey in North West Wales.

    As they approach Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they start arguing about the pronunciation of the village's name. They argue back and forth until they stop for lunch at a roadside fast food restaurant.

    When a blonde waitress comes to their table the husband says,
    "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us?
    Would you pronounce where we are, very slowly?"

    The waitress replies,
    "Burrrr, gerrrr Kinngg."
     
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  7. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    Brummy comes from Birmingham, England

    The Honourable Mr Justice Abrahams opens the high court hearing by reading out the indictments.
    "Henry Adrian Jones, you are charged that on the twenty-sixth of December in the year two-thousand and seven you did beat your wife, Heather Anne Jones to death with seven blows to the head from a ball-pane hammer."

    From the public gallery, a short middle-aged Brummy wearing an anorak shouts at the defendant,
    "You b_astard!"

    The judge pauses before proceeding.
    "You are further charged that on the same day you did beat your mother-in-law, Barbra Jane Heston to death with the said hammer."

    The Brummy again yells out,
    "You b_astard!"

    After glaring at the public gallery the judge continues,
    "You are also charged with causing grievous bodily harm in that on the following day you did attack police constable, David George Downs also with the said hammer."

    Once more the Brummy yells out,
    "You b_astard!"

    Mr Justice Abrahams raps his gravel on the bench and addresses the Brummy.
    "I can empathise with your feeling of anger and disgust at these vicious killings and attacks, but I will have no more interruptions to the proceedings. I must caution you that any more outbursts and I will have the usher escort you from the court. Is that understood?"

    "I'm sorry, your lordship, but I got so angry about what you have just read out. For fifteen years, I've lived next door to Henry, and every time I've asked him if I could borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
     
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  8. JimB

    JimB Super Moderator Most Helpful Member

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    Spec, this is just too much.
    We will have to promote you to Entertainments Manager.

    JimB
    (Cleaning tea and biscuits from the keyboard and screen)
     
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  9. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    thks jim, but I haven't started yet- shame about ETOs family friendly policy :D
     
  10. JimB

    JimB Super Moderator Most Helpful Member

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    Yes indeed, I know a few crackers myself, but If I posted them here I would have to delete them and give myself a warning.

    JimB
     
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  11. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    :hilarious: You have just describe a recursive function... I think
     
  12. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    A Manchester United supporter is waiting for the kick-off at Wembley. An empty seat separates him from another fan.
    "Is no-one sitting in that seat?"

    "No. The seat is spare."

    "That's unbelievable! Who in their right mind would miss a cup final if they had a seat?"

    "Actually, it was for my wife, but sadly she passed away. This will be the first United match that we won't have watched together since we got married twenty seven years ago."

    "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you find someone else- a friend, a relative, or even a neighbour - to take the seat?"

    "Unfortunately no- they are all at the funeral."
     
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  13. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    A farmer sets sail for New Zealand where he hopes to start afresh. On the twenty-fifth day of the voyage, a typhoon capsizes the ship and he is washed ashore along with his dog, and one of his sheep.

    Within a month Llewellyn has built a palm hut, dug a well, and set snares in the jungle. He then spends a couple of days a week fishing or gathering wild fruit and vegetables while his dog checks the snares for game. The sheep is also well nourished because the rolling downs provide lush grazing.

    Most evenings the three of them sit by the beach and watch the sun go down over the Pacific. Llewellyn quite likes the peace and solitude of island life; it reminds him of his hill-farm back home in Breconshire. But there is something missing. One evening, as a gentle breeze caresses his face, he starts feeling amorous so he puts his arm around the sheep's neck. Spot is rabid with jealousy. He bares his teeth and growls until Llewellyn withdraws his arm. From then on, if Llewellyn so much as looks at Sharon, Spot snarls and gnashes his teeth.

    A month later, Llewellyn imagines seeing a girl walking along the sand in the spray. Even though he fears he is hallucinating, he runs up to her. He can't believe his luck; she is Mandy, a pretty cabin-maid from the ship. She explains that she too was washed ashore but on the other side of the island. She says she has been all alone for two months so when Llewellyn invites her to come and live with him, she readily accepts.

    He builds her a little hut with a small flower garden and soon the routine gets back to normal. One evening as the four of them are sitting by the beach watching the sunset, Llewellyn starts getting those urges again. He resists them for as long as he can, but finally he gives in. He leans over to Mandy and gently stroking her shoulder, he whispers in her ear,
    "Would you like to do something for me?"

    "What do you have in mind?" she replied seductively.

    "You wouldn't mind taking the dog for a walk would you?"
     
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  14. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    A fleeing Taliban terrorist plodding through the desert sees something in the distance. Hoping to find water, he heads toward it, only to find a little old Jew at a stall draped with ties.

    The Taliban shouts, "Give me water!"

    "Sorry, I have no water but would you like to buy a tie- they are only $5?"

    "Idiot! I do not need a tie, I need water! I should kill you, but first I must find water!"

    "OK," says the Jew, "even though you do not want to buy a tie and are threatening me, I will still help you. If you continue towards that dune about two miles away, you will find an air-conditioned restaurant. It has all the chilled water you could want. Shalom!"

    Muttering, the Taliban staggers off.

    Several hours later, he crawls back to the stall, half-dead. "Your accursed brother won't let me in without a tie!"
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2016
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  15. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    Ever since their bachelor days, John, Hamish, and Pat met up each year for a lad's week in Majorca. They are heading back to the hotel after a night's clubbing in Magaluf, when they notice something white in the ditch along the side of the road. Patrick takes a closer look and exclaims,
    "Be gora, it's a cassock and Mother of Mary, it's the Pope."
    It seems that the Pope has had a few too many, tripped, and drowned.
    The lads are not sure what to do but in the end, they phone the Vatican.

    Upon hearing the news, the Pope's secretary is distraught, but he soon gains his composure and says:
    "We can't let this get out: it will cause a scandal. You must swear not to say a word about this. I will arrange to have the Pope's body secretly flown back here and we will announce in a couple of days that he simply passed away in his sleep."
    They agree and after waiting until the body has been recovered, they return to the hotel.

    Next morning at breakfast, Hamish says,
    "I've been thinking: if the Pope's death isn't going to be announced for a couple of days we can put a bet on at the bookies that the Pope will die. It's a sure thing and we will make a fortune!"
    With that, they quickly pack and catch the next flight home.

    A year later, they all meet up at the same hotel. Hamish says,
    "I did well with that bet: re mortgaged the house, took out a massive bank-loan, sold the car, and bet the lot on the Pope dying; got odds of a hundred to one; made an absolute fortune. How about you John?"

    "Yeah, same here. I'm a millionaire now. How did you do Pat?"

    "Don't mention that bloody bet to me. I lost everything: house, car, TV, and the missus has left me too. I'm in the poor house now."

    Surprised, John says,
    "How could you possibly lose?"

    "The odds were much better, so I put it all on a double with the Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury."
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2016
  16. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    [​IMG]


    A Great Pyrenees and a mongrel are in the vet's waiting room.
    The Pyrenees says,
    "Good morning, I'm Samson. Why are you visiting the surgery?"

    "Hello, I'm Butch. Oh, a couple of weeks ago the cutest little white poodle you have ever seen moved in next door. She wears a pink collar with Fifi on it in gold. Last Thursday, after coming back from the poodle parlour, she was in her garden. I just couldn't resist her, so I jumped over the fence. But her mistress caught us and there was a hell of a fuss."

    "So, why are you here?"

    "Because of last Thursday, my mistress dragged me here to have my testicles taken off."

    "Oh dear. I am sorry. That awful!"

    "Yeah, it is. How about you. Why are you here?"

    "Well, yesterday my mistress was running the bath, and she left the door open. When she bent down to put the bubble-bath in the water, I took my chance."

    Oh! Oh! So I suppose your going to have your testicles off too."

    "Fortunately no. My mistress has just brought me in to have my claws trimmed."
     
  17. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    Reubin and Esther have been engaged for six years.

    Reubin's father takes him aside one day and says,
    "You have been engaged for so long. I would like some grandchildren. When are you going to marry Esther."

    "Father, I would not be able to marry Esther till I can see what she looks like"

    "What do you mean. You know what she looks like- you see her every day?"

    "I mean all of her!"

    "Oy vey!, that will be impossible"

    But, in the end the two families arrive at a compromise. They decide that Esther will undress in her bedroom with both families and Reuben outside on the landing. When the signal is given Reuben will be allowed to peep through the key hole so he can see Esther in the altogether.

    Come the day, Ester's mother is looking through the keyhole and tells Reuben that Esther is ready.
    Reuben kneels down and peers through the keyhole. After five minutes Reuben's father says,
    "Well! are you satisfied now?"

    Reuben stands up and says,
    "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I won't be able to marry Esther"

    Both families in unison say,
    "Why! what is wrong with Esther?"

    "I don't like her nose."
     
  18. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    A lorry hits Dorothy as she is crossing the road. While lying in intensive care she sees her whole life pass by, right from the time she was a little girl. Then she is standing in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates. Upset, she says,
    "I have led a good life. Why has God ended it at 35?"

    St Peter looks in the ledger and says,
    "No, there is nothing to worry about. You are just having a near death experience. In fact, you will have a full life."

    Six months later Dorothy has made a complete recovery. She thinks to herself,
    "If I am going to live a long time, I might as well invest in myself."

    She, has a complete makeover: nose job, boob lift, skin scrub, expensive hairstyle, new make-up, and stylish clothes.

    A few weeks later, she crosses the road in the same place. Again she is hit by a lorry and again she arrives at the Pearly Gates.
    Annoyed, she says to Saint Peter,
    "I thought you said that I was going to have a long life- why am I back so soon?"

    Saint Peter is baffled and examines the ledger. He looks up and says,
    "I cant understand it, everything appears to be in order. I will have to get God."

    When God arrives, Saint Peter explains the position. God looks in the ledger, and then looks at Dorothy and says,
    "Oh, I'm awfully sorry, I didn't recognise you."
     
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  19. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    Scientists have made a fantastic breakthrough.

    After years of research and development they have finally managed to make a camera with a shutter so fast that it has actually captured an image of a woman with her mouth closed.
     
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  20. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    God is into the sixth day of making heaven, hell, and earth. He is just putting the finishing touches to the Garden of Eden.
    "I'm practically done and I am looking forward to a day of rest. I have got two things left: 'peeing while standing' and..."
    Adam butted in,
    "I want 'peeing while standing'!"

    "OK Adam- and Eve, you can have 'multiple orgasms'."
     
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  21. spec

    spec Well-Known Member Most Helpful Member

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    Paddy is suffering from constipation so he sees his doctor.
    The doctor gives him a suppository and tells him to put it in his back passage.

    A week later Paddy goes back to the doctor who asked him if he has followed his instructions.

    Paddy replies,
    "I don’t have a back passage in my house so I put it in the hall, but I might as well have stuck it up my arse for all the good it did."
     
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