Engineer Jokes.

[Pommie]

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. The first one said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." Both? "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they w ill each assume you are spending time with the other woman and you can go to the garage and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Unashamedly stolen from somewhere else.

Mike.

 

[dch222]

Wonderful

 

[ThermalRunaway]

Very very funny. I don't think the artists will appreciate the McDonalds take though...

Brian

 

[3v0]

The jokes point out the engineers are not wired the same as most.

You have to be nuts to be a Engineer.
Study a non trivial field for 4-6 years and then work very
long hours on a fixed salary. Then there is the stupidity that
flows down from management, preformance reviews,
politics, and the never ending reorgs.

How could anyone ask for anything more !

 

[AllVol]

Sumsay for a joke to be funny it must have an element of truth.

These are really hulai....haleri....hiller.....very funny.

Want fries with that?

 

[bananasiong]

haha, talking frog.

 

[Nigel Goodwin]

Very very funny. I don't think the artists will appreciate the McDonalds take though...

But it's completely true - the numbers of students taking completely useless degrees in recent years means most of them can't get a job. It's long been claimed that the largest single employer of University graduates in the UK is McDonalds!.

 

[AllVol]

You guys have designed, programmed and implemented robotic devices that can perform nearly any task. As soon as you teach them to reproduce and maintain themselves, even you will be out of a job.

"First let us postulate that the computer scientists succeed in developing intelligent machines that can do all things better than human beings can do them. In that case presumably all work will be done by vast, highly organized systems of machines and no human effort will be necessary. Either of two cases might occur. The machines might be permitted to make all of their own decisions without human oversight, or else human control over the machines might be retained.
"If the machines are permitted to make all their own decisions, we can't make any conjectures as to the results, because it is impossible to guess how such machines might behave. We only point out that the fate of the human race would be at the mercy of the machines..."


Here's your change!

 

[ThermalRunaway]

But it's completely true - the numbers of students taking completely useless degrees in recent years means most of them can't get a job. It's long been claimed that the largest single employer of University graduates in the UK is McDonalds!.

A friend of mine took a degree in mixed studies. I couldn't believe it. How can you have a degree in no specific area? She's qualified to know nothing in particular. Weird.

Brian

 

[Nigel Goodwin]

A friend of mine took a degree in mixed studies. I couldn't believe it. How can you have a degree in no specific area? She's qualified to know nothing in particular. Weird.

At one time having ANY degree meant something, and would get you a better paid job - now they are so watered down it only helps if you have a degree in a specific related subject.

 

[BeeBop]

You have to be nuts to be a Engineer.
Study a non trivial field for 4-6 years and then work very
long hours on a fixed salary. Then there is the stupidity that
flows down from management, preformance reviews,
politics, and the never ending reorgs.

You have to be nuts to be an artist.
Study a non trivial field for 4-6 years and then work very
long hours for NO salary, as well as 8 hours for a low salary.
Then there is the stupidity that
flows down from gallery dealers, administrators and curators
critical reviews,
POLITICS, politics, and politics,
and the never ending destruction and re-creation of the self.


I made the wrong choice, followed the heart, and then turned bitter; am now back in school, but this time a tech school, for what I should have done years ago, electronics.

I believed in University until Graduate school, where I became completely disillusioned and somewhat of a misanthrope. Some people who should be totally confident, and who have a lifetime job with very good pay, and are almost impossible to fire no matter what they do or say, act like sniveling little babies, and stick it to each other and their students, in the back.

At least in electronics, it doesn't matter how good of a politician you are, if you don't know what you are doing, you don't count. It isn't like that in Arts, where quality is totally subjective, and politics and cult of personality are everything.

 

[Optikon]

You have to be nuts to be an artist.
Study a non trivial field for 4-6 years and then work very
long hours for NO salary, as well as 8 hours for a low salary.
Then there is the stupidity that
flows down from gallery dealers, administrators and curators
critical reviews,
POLITICS, politics, and politics,
and the never ending destruction and re-creation of the self.


I made the wrong choice, followed the heart, and then turned bitter; am now back in school, but this time a tech school, for what I should have done years ago, electronics.

I believed in University until Graduate school, where I became completely disillusioned and somewhat of a misanthrope. Some people who should be totally confident, and who have a lifetime job with very good pay, and are almost impossible to fire no matter what they do or say, act like sniveling little babies, and stick it to each other and their students, in the back.

At least in electronics, it doesn't matter how good of a politician you are, if you don't know what you are doing, you don't count. It isn't like that in Arts, where quality is totally subjective, and politics and cult of personality are everything.

Art seems to me one of those careers where either you make it bigtime or you starve. Art certainly has a place in the world but it would appear to be better suited to hobby / spare time pursuits where you are not dependent upon it to make pay the bills.

 

[CheapSlider]

Old ones are the best ...

Rubber Ball

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table

==================

Project Manager

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

=================

NASA

An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"

----------------------

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the **broken link removed** was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil

 

[3v0]

I spent a few year at the art dept. It was a stroke of luck that the art dept head at our U was very partical. There was no art for the sake of art, he prepared his students to earn a living doing art, esp while they where still unknown.

At least in electronics, it doesn't matter how good of a politician you are, if you don't know what you are doing, you don't count. It isn't like that in Arts, where quality is totally subjective, and politics and cult of personality are everything.

Much the same exists in the high tech development lab. But you do get a regular paycheck.

The political types rapidly rise to management. They know how to look good. They spin things to their advantage and rapidly move up, never in one spot long enough for anything to catch up with them.

If you ignore the political aspects of an engineering job you will suffer.

 

[mneary]

If you ignore the political aspects of an engineering job you will suffer.

I can't claim that I've ignored the political aspects, but I haven't focused on it. It is, after all, necessary to play well with others.

The political types rapidly rise to management. They know how to look good. They spin things to their advantage and rapidly move up, never in one spot long enough for anything to catch up with them.

Fine with me, I don't covet their pay - I have my own.

I've done good enough work so there was nothing to catch up with me. For 35 years I've been paid for what's essentially my hobby. I'm now in a financial position to consider retiring (at 57) but why would I?

 

[TheVictim]

Specialists know more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing.

 

[Ross Craney]

A group of trainee managers were given an exercise to determine the height of the flagpole out the front. As they stood around discussing triganometry & pythagorus & other methods of calculating the height, an engineer walked up & asked what the problem was. After hearing what was required he pulled the flagpole out of the ground, laid it down & measured it with a tape. "9.35 metres " he promptly said and then walked away. "Typical engineer" said the senior manager , "ask for the height and they give you the length."

 

[Mikebits]

At one time having ANY degree meant something, and would get you a better paid job - now they are so watered down it only helps if you have a degree in a specific related subject.

I am not so sure I agree. Having a degree shows that an individual has some sort of work ethic, is committed and willing to put in some effort. If a person graduates with a Baccalaureate in something, I truly think they are of some value. Getting a degree is no picnic and anyone that obtains one most likely worked hard to get it. Excluding Joe's Online degree program.

 

[Boncuk]

The political types rapidly rise to management. They know how to look good. They spin things to their advantage and rapidly move up, never in one spot long enough for anything to catch up with them.

Yes, I know. It's called the "Wanninger principle" in Germany. Everybody rises until he has reached a level of total incompetence. From then on he rises at double speed being pushed higher and higher. (since nobody can use him.)

 

[colin mac]

I am not so sure I agree. Having a degree shows that an individual has some sort of work ethic, is committed and willing to put in some effort. If a person graduates with a Baccalaureate in something, I truly think they are of some value. Getting a degree is no picnic and anyone that obtains one most likely worked hard to get it. Excluding Joe's Online degree program.

You can get online degrees from real colleges though that are accredited the exact same way. Students watch the lectures online, then physically attend
the college a few days a year to sit the exams with the students that attend everyday.
I was thinking of doing it for a one year add on to the degree I have, because I don't want to leave a job.